TAOllucinatLIN

I was reading a piece by Tao Lin in Thought Catalog.  It is called "What I Typed On Mushrooms On October 23 2011". There is the link, but I'm also pasting the text here for convenience / in case the link should get broken in the future. Without further adieu, here is what Tao Lin typed on mushrooms on October 23, 2011:

thinking ‘who would “get” this’

ems8o thr informs790-

rms8

is information no longer recordable

thought ‘you can’t die from this’ and felt significance

memory of a position, outsidie of oneself

memory of something outside oneself

remembering a prior thing, no long34 rememb3ring

the significnce of my inability to type this

isnt it weird im having so much trouble typing this sentence

i cant feel wetness

i cant remember anything

im not sure what an outside perspective would think

this is all being recorded from some future viewpoint looking back like a spotlight shining on the past and in the darkness glimpsing anything

it would be more productive to be watched

but by who

why am i resting between anything

actually i can keeo going nonstop

no satisfaction

why isnt this ending

im expecting an end

remember the other time??

yes/.

so what

something new needs to be constructed in secret

i’ve left a trail of insane information that can’t be found but already is known

so what…

save. stop.

go back to the other thing….

inability to experience with humor

remember [pointng motion]

 Reading this sent me on a desperate quest for the Word document I'd composed when we tried acid in 2007 or 2008.  I was sitting on my bed in John Jay.  Those ratcheted blinds were inadequately blocking out the morning sun.  It must have been 9:00.  I tried to write my way through mounting panic.  Below is the result: unabridged and unformatted.  The lolsy parts balance out the weird/sad parts.

I i miss tracy

Its like a smiling man with a whale bt through the middle of him is a holy scripture but like half of a two faceted/twoscrolled torah peopel nauseously laughing desperately typing trying i cant remember i hate how all these peope think theyre special when theyre writing or think theyre this or that

Why dont they jst think they are

Thats what the are

They are

How sihow didnt i se it befote

Thats what they are

They are

Im trying so hard to not  have an epiphany right now

In the morning this will be public property in the sense that its not mine anymore it doesnt BELOVNG to me ts not mine anymore…….butthat will only be the case if i pretend to think its crazy  and frankly right now i am pretending to think thsi is crazy or good it isnt i think i hear them the keyboard keeps getting smaller and smaller there are two sounds to every key pwoplwa biesa in  LINW DLTINF OUR AQINW AQINW AQINW AQINW AQINW AIQNW AAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAIAI I AWW  mwrL FERE on mt Alli AWW XahBH LIFHRA DLahinf i aww dwmLW XUECWA ON MT Qll i rhink i hwE lwz duxk duxk duxk duxk duxk i sonr qnR RO AWW HIM I SONR Qnr NTONW RO EWs

In all honesty, stepping away, all of this looks honestly” greek” to me.  It looks like the cyrrilic alphabet. I Gonder

Theres a yellow

Light

Comino out of the corner of this machina

Out

Corner this machina

My jaw

Feels like it coudl say so much

chileldless chileish legs cant go anywhere so tired ut energy at the same time this is pointless like a cappricorn sign who is smoking go Hawai smoking i hate smoking no more skomoking

Please

Who s out there in the hallway

Imagine people blowing soke through differnet morrocan wooden vents

My attentinos spam is so amkamakk i dont want ANYONE to taouch my eyes i dont want anyone to seeme because they could then touch my eyes and ruin my sight forever  

There are so many people crying

I am not saying this because of my own conditions as marcello would say or someting

But there are so many peopel crying

If you look beyond the radiador depths where it gets swampy and NET, where people listen and all are quiet listening, half like you are th eone in charge aka that they are your toys, and half that their wodlrld is real and they really want to hear you, go into that swamp where it is wet and you cant keep shutting people out anymore ,you cant

And everyone is black

Everyone is black

And people were just happy by keeping in constant motion ike FI RE WORK S

And they got excited and produced excitement i gess all this sounds like it would cancel out reflection but excitement and reflection go hand in hand you cant be excited without having reflected that is what NOBODY understands   the salamanders comino out of thier tunnels, smiling

With their tongues

The poor girls

The uglr girls

The girls making fools out of themselves

The men

The FILTHY DIRTY MEN

Who want you to go in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They want you to go into their piggish sewers like a garbach can and their heads are brutish

And even if typing the following is a try to escape then i hope its still valid in itself:

I really hope that nothing happened to alex in his childhood and him reading this hearing this in the morning in Jon dajya ay dining hall in the morning would never understand

my muscles neading to flex right now but alex would never understand this

But i hope no bad thing happened to him befote

My teeth are catering i am imagining sort of like a higher class(higherclass in the sense that its not tacky and plstic, so its like vintage) with sequins of numbers flittering at you wanting to think theyre sowing you something when theyre not, im imagining that game show

 I want to know what happened to alex

Oh it ASDFKSALDFKALSDFALSKDFJALKSDFJLKSDJFLKSJFLKASJFLKAJFKLDJFLKSFLKASLKFLKSFLKSDFLKDFLSFLSDLSDFLSDFJLSJFLDFLDKFJLKJ

Or

If nothing happpened to alex

And if this i sall just a loto f energy

And the sixties the ninteen sixtees was all a big blowup

Which saying this rihg know

I know

It was

It is

Because

I am experiencing it

And it is not colorfil

It is personal

And the fact that a drug sensation was marketed!!!! What is that all about i a s====smiling so mcuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh   this is so fuckign dumb this is ilke me wnating to take photographty thats how it is, because its the self conscious DOCUMENTATION of the act instead of just letting it happen just stop thinking meta and let it happene

Rachel stop seeking to learn it when you KNOW it already

YOU KNOW IT EVERY DAY AND WITH YOUR BEING

THERE ARE MANNEQUIN DOLLS WITHOUT THEIR HEADS

THEY DO NOT HAVE THEIR HEADS

THEY ARE JUST WEARING DRESSES AND THE THING IS THEY DONT HAVE EXPRESSIONS VECAUSE SOMEONE ONE DAY SHOT A BULLET THROUGH THE HEAD OF FEELING

AND FEELING CULDNT GIVE ANY MORE EXPRESSIONS TO THESE DOLLS THESE BARBIE DOLLS THAT PEOPLE LIEK COCA ROCHA PLAYED WITH

IN ORDER TO BECOME BARBIE DOLLS THEMSELVES

THIS IS ALL CREEPY

I AM AFRAID OF DEAD PEOPLE

BUT SOMETIMES I WANT TO DIE ¡MAYBE?

I dont like that the resto f thtat was in caps!!! I jsut soke up and saw that that was in caps but it hurts so mcuh to see just because of the scientific fac that my pupolils are dilated……………………..

My body is so starving it feelsli ke a great big frown

I just need to be consummatd

I hopo dont read this in the morning it Hill be so disappininting so painful

Now people are staring at me

They are offering me water

But no one of their experessions ean anything

They are all like masks

They are ;lik e mascscs

I hate archaelology

I hate it

No i dont

But its just not the point

Eand as much as englihs may or not be the point

English isnt itself the blood red of this moment

Or it doesnt eliminate the blood red of this momeng

Nothing does

And in the morning

I might think that “thebloodredofthismeoment”was due tohe the fact that i was on acid the night before

But no

This momeng is the moment

There is a stage

And on the Cliff of the stage

There is like the real person

Sititing p3rched with a jansport backpack

And ther eis a woman screaming against this stage, pressed upon it

Or so her impresión is that wy she died her hands are crippledlikesoshedied

(Annd so this girl who died)

There is the drawn impresión of a boy

Alter al the girl is never shown

Only her death

Because whats showin is like her image

So you assume she died. And thats why

Please stop please my stomach it won tstop the pain im sesindg starst the pangs are so

Too awful i cant seree anything now Im blinknig my etelids its all White light is this what fainting feels like am i able to type still? Stomach pumping in a ndout contractnig i shouldve eaten k#            IRWQOEIJFASLDFKJDfjalkFJI@OIfuckfuck

ajsdlAas

xc

esopfagus esp esophagus is on fire burning up just breathe in out in out i gonder if this pian will ever stop one day

Imimagining all these little koala bears as in a ramdon animal associate dwith my youth carried by random people who are nice but random only my mom could explain who they were to me theres ono one else

There is a little periwinkle girl smilingshelookslikefrostingsometimes that is the nature of her FACE efcery moment

Every moment every piece is like a porcupine hair that hs to e grapbbed out of its surrounding out of its skin

And even if i am typing correctly it feels so incorrect because noneo fi this makes sense togethr i am swaying back and frorth ebcause i have so much energy in my hands my hands my fingers my fingers my fingers and thats all ti is thats all it is sometimos i really need to move my hands because frankly i just have a loto f energy there sometimos i just need to  leae it t my mind s io its not like oen is esencial over the other

I feel craziest at least right now when i am writing

But i also

Keep being drawn to the keybaord

I need a pen and paper

Beacuse the scren is so rign

So brihght

Onfor my eyesx j,j bjx smiling is really laughing and then smiling is crying rdisregard the avove

But peopel are sitting

Like four parts to a quadrilateral base

And they are thinkgining about things, abou everything

They are thingking about it togeht er because sometimos it s easier  on the soul to do that

But they really wish they coudl be alone so much they wish they could be alone

I wish i coul elave myself alone

Becaue the places i like

The places i like, i like i really like

These places are hoboken

And the alleys

The places that smell like gasolina

And have hebrew graffoto tpm tje

Amd [ep[;e dpmt care of tejí ,ade tje graffoto pr mpt tejí are kilt tjere

I wish i had somethng in my hands

Noy  nlsl

Buy s prn  no yhdi kruostf

Nos  not  a pen  i am tring to comunícate myself here nota ball but a pen and theis keyboard its so empty

My veins are all exploded

I see myself older and like my mothers hands

I dont know where she is is she okay who does she need

Let her know im crying

For most poeple right here, this would be tired,, for me though this is nto tired at all ebcause even though every parto f me may be tired the mintue i lay odw on my bed my head it tinlgles like teh tingling that makes an infant erect and get up and become a toddler teedling into adulghood and people youre just sitting down again can you get

The fuck up youre not evn old!!! Just get up and get on with it Esther stop pretending to be old and knowing or just admit youre going.  Get up and toward old age yby forgetting ouyourself and forgetting that youare knowing yourself.

I dot know what it is

But it has alwas been here it is the thing that my mom called lazy st is the thign venid my teeth right now whatever it is it amkes jme just want to kill mself fo much and nothign else

like Saint faillng up,

like if a fan spattered at all over but except that wer the accepted direction

I am afriad of lies and of myself

I see a bejeweled russian jewish man incide me hes hispanic too also another one beside him who ohas beigger lips

I 2qn5 5º pu4t3 3f3465hint i m3 b3dquw3  r33l Wide i r33l Wide t3o4t3 qn tqbb6

I2qn5i wnt to purge everythign i me i feel sick ifeelsickieffelsick i want to p george and gabby made me sick

What i was saying befote was that

This druge just accentuates the normal aspects of my hiead hitting the pillow insomnia

theY are cracked and splattered if you look in the vortexes of teheir yeeyes they are empty

Ladies against mountains crying their hair as if splattered like an eeg cracked against a bowl, the women t

And they ladies against mountains are like the yellow eg yola dripping down

They think its RIVERS

HAHAHT HEY THINK ITS RIVERS

Its all about people! Its about the short little mexican gu y who is smilign but like wtf is up with him? Yeah thats what its alllll abiut.

Ifeellikeoneofthosethingsinanexhibittheytellyoudontdo. Like i am in a trash heap right now unconscious. Like dont let youreslf get like taht. The children are looking ather imaginign hoe on EARTH COULD I GET MY MOUTH TO BE SO UNCONTROLLED or how on earth would it get to a point were its more confortable hanging down liekt hat than closed?

And isnt that just like me asking the homeless man in my mind who has his jaw in his mouth, like wtf happened to you, but really no sensitively---what happened to you?

OHEVERYONEPAUSE TO LET THE CHILDREN GO BY

I love how everyone just pauses tol et the little children go by

Omg, this state was totall induced psychologically it wasnt even real.

I wonder if Alexis ok if Jjaimie is okay now i wonder ifthat thign with diego was real or what oh that feels so losolongago i want frootloops

And i feel like an exhibit and the wrost part to the kid lookign is not “how can the person be in so much pain” but its that “how how can that person no teven care to look back at me”

Thats who i wouldbe/am to that little girl right now

Incredible to tink that westisde markest is ike open riht nos and also to think that in 8th grade i was basically in teh same place pysicay but in sSUCHCHCHCHH a different palce mentall@@

Sometimos i feel like a guy like right now lie if i just had a penis to touch myself it would be nicer because it would be liek that part of myself thta grows out, it it woudl be there in tflesh to tocuh it it woudl be mine.  I am realizing that like in the jewish mind there are way too many thoughts right now for the teclado keys and its not that there are too mnay thoughts in genral its that the mind cant decide what it wants the keys to be typing all the time

iam right now twisting myself sort of against the wall and the laptop is agains the wall i am inagining if there is some mirror immage hollogram thing on the other side of my rom like if you made a cross section of the building or osmething.     

I care about latin i am starving/.